


i don't intend on winning

by orphan_account



Series: sol(ace) [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Mind Control, OT3, Some of it is happy, Spoilers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'It begins in his chest, filling his lungs and pressing against his ribcage. It spreads quickly, a wildfire looking for release. The anger fills his mouth, his nose, and his hands.  It is palpable, thick. His anger is wild, and Kylo Ren does not know how to tame it.'  </p>
<p>Kylo Ren is all that is left of Ben Solo. He is a fire scrambling for anything to burn. He is about to burn out.<br/>It's a shame no one cares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> This is an imagined continuation of TFA, it is a WIP (although I have everything planned out), and I can't say it's the best thing I have ever written.  
> The characters will probably take a while to take shape, as I'm (and everyone else) still new to them.  
> I will add chapter specific warnings.

‘Your rage, Ren, is admirable. It powers you, much like it did your grandfather. You may never have the power that he had, but your anger is a match.’

The words scratch at Kylo Ren’s ears; the maddening reality of his crippling inadequacy twisted into a compliment delivered by a scarred mad man. Snoke was a master of giving words a new meaning, of turning the utmost praise into aching scorn and bitter disappointment.

‘Thank you’ Ren finally replies, his voice clear and unfaltering. He was too late though, and now Snoke knows he has won. Ren can see it in his perverse smirk and his cold eyes.

‘Of course, you know not yet how to use this rage, and it has cost us. Cost us what I, what _we_ have been working for all these years. The Order was almost destroyed because you, Kylo Ren, could not control your temper. Because you were defeated by a little girl.’ The Supreme Leader’s eyes close in a mockery of disappointment. Snoke is taunting him, daring him to rage; because Snoke knows that he will win.

Ren’s face remains stoic in a pathetic attempt to resist temptation, but he can feel his anger igniting once again. He knows where this will take him. This anger, which is toxic and sublime; set off by simplest of things, will grow. 

It begins in his chest, filling his lungs and pressing against his ribcage. It spreads quickly, a wildfire looking for release. The anger fills his mouth, his nose, and his hands.  It is palpable, thick. His anger is wild, and Kylo Ren does not know how to tame it.

‘You are transparent, Kylo Ren, I know all that you feel,’ Snoke chuckles; his laugh more a wheeze than anything else. Ren feels his face twist into a sneer almost subconsciously; his embarrassment dampening the flames and parading as pride.

‘You are amusing, Ren, I will grant you that. But I brought you here to continue your training, while you have proved a liability these past few weeks, I believe that, in time, you will regain some use.’ Relief courses through Ren, electrifying his bones and smothering his brain. He had thought he was going to die.  ‘It is simple, what I am going to teach you, or at least it is supposed to be,’ Snoke’s tone is mocking as his gaze scrutinises Ren, once again reducing Kylo to little more than dirt.

‘You, Kylo Ren sorely need to learn to transform that senseless rage into something less visceral, to make it a weapon itself.’  

Then Snoke pauses and his eyes flicker slightly; manically, obsessively, zealously. The very blood in Ren’s body seems to freeze. ‘And believe me, I had every intention of doing so, I even risked the life of General Hux to save you’ the Supreme Leader continues.

‘Now…now I know better. You have one task left before you can begin, I think.’ If before Ren had been frozen, now he was a torrent; a cascade of fear and anger racing before the fall.  

_He will not kill me, I will not die._

‘The Resistance have learnt our secrets, and you must know Ren that this is all your fault, so I think it would only be fair if you were the vessel I used to learn all of theirs. Not to mention, your mother _wants_ you back. Surely it is time you payed them a visit.’

Ren bows his head in acknowledgement, fear and respect commanding him so.

When he looks back up, it is into the rotten eyes of the Supreme Leader. Snoke raises a clawed hand to Ren’s face, caressing his cheek; a dreadful reminder of Han Solo’s warm calloused fingers.

Then the claws dig in, and Snoke’s terrible mind is inside Ren’s own. The pain would be unbearable, but Kylo Ren, no, Ben Solo, is too far gone to feel its penetrative cruelty. His body shakes, electricity bursting with him. He feels it in every bone, every muscle, and every artery.  

Then he is nothing.

 

The wind shakes Rey to the core, its piercing cold stabs tying her to reality. Beneath her the rough rocks scrape and itch, and icy waters below carries the stench of rotting ocean creatures into her nose and mouth and pores. _It is_ , Rey decides, _impossible to clear you mind when it smells like this_.

She lies back in defeat, her mouth twitching upwards as she thinks of the Resistance. And Kylo Ren. And Finn. And Poe. And Finn and Poe together. 

‘I thought you were going to meditate.’ The voice that shakes Rey out of her thoughts is tough and weathered, an exacting match to the world around them.

‘I tried, but your planet smells too bad,’ Rey replies, a playful grin giving away her usually scattered thoughts. She can picture Luke Skywalker’s raised brow and stoic mouth, although she won’t tear her eyes away from the brooding skies.  

The silence that stretches between them is a comfort to Rey, whose life and once been still more often than not. The unrelenting tension of an unanswered question hangs between them however, a live wire ready to electrify the world around it.

‘It’s just that…I don’t understand how I can find clarity when fighting a _monster_ but not now, what’s different?’ The words calm the air, soothing Rey and the world alike. Troubles, she has been told, disperse like the wind when said aloud.

‘Ben is not a monster, he has done monstrous things, but he is as human as you or I,’ his voice is soft, reassuring. ‘He is not a good man, but he is human.’

Rey’s eyes shit downwards, assessing the raging sea below, swallowing the guilt that threatens to escape and replacing it with self-assured certainty.

‘As for finding clarity… you are far more grounded than I was at your age, and your emotions are your own. Here, where your thoughts are free to wonder, I think you forget that.’ His advice, as always, is cryptic at best, but Rey treasures it. Han Solo had left a gaping hole in her heart that threatened to swallow her hole, but bit by bit Luke Skywalker is filling it.

Rey sits back up and closes her eyes, shitting herself off from the outside world and everything it means.

_Breath. In. Out._

With each calculated breath she can find herself slowly, surely centring her mind. Rey has found clarity, the serenity of a clear mind trickling from her head to her toes and filling her; defining her.  

Then it seizes her; pulls her from her place in the stars and slams her back into the dirt. Crushing her, ruining her.

A vision. The future.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A discovery is made by two people in two different places.

 

_It’s cold. The lifeless air hangs heavy in the room. The sound of hurried, scared breathing is all that breaks the silence._

_Then there is a man with blood on his hands, Kylo Ren, and he is singing a song of lawless fury._

_Finn’s face burns brightly, his eyes wide and his mouth taut._

_The ground is littered with bodies, the empty spaces filled with the sounds of sobbing and screams._

 

A jilted breath escapes Rey’s lips, her heart is in her mouth and her hands are buried in the ground. She steadies her breath, trying to reach that clarity again. A desperate attempt to tame her thoughts.

Slowly, unwillingly, she opens her eyes and is greeted by Luke Skywalker’s calming gaze.

‘What did you see?’

 

When Rey had first met Luke she had wondered if he was her father; it had been a desperate grab for the father she had never had, for the father she had almost found in Han Solo. Luke Skywalker was distant and apprehensive, but he was kind and he understood. Luke Skywalker was not the father she would have dreamed for, but he might be the one Rey needed.

Of course, Rey didn’t know if he _was_ her father, her family. He had never shown anything but distant warmth to Rey; not even coming close to the shining love she pined for as a girl, nor the companionship she yearns for now. Luke Skywalker had never offered her any suggestion that he might be her father. It had been a selfish hope for a family.

But when she looks into Skywalker’s eyes, she feels a gentle warmth spread; claiming her fingers, toes, and thoughts. He may not be her father, but she will make him her family.

 

‘I don’t know…exactly,’ Rey closes her eyes again, grasping at the visions edge and holding it tight. ‘But the Resistance is in trouble.’ She can still hear Ren’s unnerving screams echoing in her thoughts, can still see Finn’s damaged face.

‘Is it the Resistance you fear for, or your friends?’ Luke’s voice is concerned, but wary too.

Luke knows what she wants, because it is what he wants too. Because it was what he has always wanted, and Rey understands this. She just has to get him to give in, to both her and his own desires.

‘Both,’ Rey’s reply is steely, and as her eyes once again meet her mentor’s, they flash with determination. Luke’s gaze shifts to the skies, his expression empty and inscrutable.

Silence fills the space between them and the rhythm of the waves slamming against the cliff walls is the only thing stopping Rey from floating into the sky.

‘The force grants us many things, but a clear vision of the future is not one of them.’ Rey has become so used to Skywalker’s clear tone that the wariness in his voice alarms her.

‘I know.’ Rey is decisive, she understands all too well that things are never what they seem. She has lived her life on Jakku where the sunset is so beautiful it swallows you whole and the ground will burn your feet and tear you down. But she _knows_ there is trouble, and worse still to come.

‘I am apprehensive… what has happened is unchangeable, and what is yet to come is inevitable.’ Luke’s tone is less confident than his words though, and Rey uses this.

‘We could help them though, I owe them that much. So do you.’ _We both know that you want to help, that you need to. Just do it._

‘I once faced a situation all too similar and, Rey, I rushed in with no thought for the consequences,’ and it seems to Rey that he is trying to convince himself more than anything else.

She raises her eyebrow in response.

‘I had my hand cut off. And everyone I cared about nearly died. Never question that it could be you that is the net to fall.’ The finality in his voice is a chilling reminder of all that Luke has lost, but it does little to deter Rey’s confident resolve.  

‘I am not you, and I can learn from your mistakes. Luke…I have spent my life running, escaping, and I won’t do that anymore. I owe that much to my friends, and to myself.’ Luke is as unreadable as ever, but Rey knows that she has made her mark.

She leaps to her feet, looking down at her master. A sense of tranquillity greets her, out of place in this wild world, and Rey knows she could fly.

‘And don’t think that I’ll be going alone, Skywalker.’   

 

Finn had not wanted to go on this mission. He had not wanted to get out of bed before the sun had risen, or miss breakfast, and he certainly had not wanted to explore a ship that had been left dead in space too close to the Resistance base to be anything other than a trap and too close to be left unchecked.  

That being said, he could not complain about the company.

Poe Dameron was one of Finn’s two friends, the two friends he had had ever truly had, and while Poe was exponentially more popular than Finn, he always managed to make a special place for the ex-Stormtrooper. In the weeks following Finn’s recovery they had grown closer than Finn could ever have hoped for. And maybe Poe pitied him, or felt he owed Finn something, but Finn could not bring himself to mind. Rey was gone and she had left him with nothing but Poe and a yearning for something more.

Poe was also, arguably, the friendliest person in the galaxy; his enthusiasm was palpable and he was too kind for his own good, and for that reason he is even able to make a mission onto a cold, dead spaceship seem like an adventure. Not a particularly exciting or pleasant experience, but adventure none the less.  

As the two friends step on to the ship, a rusting merchant vessel that belongs in a scrap yard, they are greeted by a rush of stagnant, freezing air. The floor below is covered in dust, dust which dances in the air forming ever changing constellations, and everything is wreathed in shadows; illuminated only by the red emergency lights. This place is not friendly, it is hostile and as the red light glows, Finn's back begins to ache. 

Finn looks down to see the remnants of footprints imprinted on the dusty floor and Poe’s scanner beeps; the bright tone signifying that they are not alone.

_This is a trap._

He looks towards Poe, heart beating to the rhythm of his fear, and is comforted by his friend’s reassuring smile. But Finn can see the fear etched onto the lines of Poe’s face and he wonders if Poe is afraid for the both of them.

Together they follow the scanner, and Finn can feel his fear being dominated by adrenaline and a twisted sense of excitement. When Poe finally halts, Finn almost crashes into him, confusion building until his eyes fall upon the figure chained to the floor.

It’s Kylo Ren, pathetic and forgotten. Then his eyes open and Finn sees that they are as ragged and harsh as the scar that wrecks his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I got bored and updated two days in a row. But it's summer and I don't care lol. Anyway, there will be another update in the next few days.  
> I'm also experimenting with tense, I usually write in past tense but im trying my luck with present tense. I hate it and i might go back and change it late. Please point out any mistakes you see.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your mind is not your own.  
> Try again later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sort-of paralysis, mental torture, and a panic attack.

The world is veiled by an opaque haze of anger and pain. Kylo Ren knows neither where he is, nor why. He can’t feel the cold floor beneath him or the tight pinch of his shackles. All he can feel is the throbbing, unrelenting ache in his head. The ache of presence too foul for words, a corrupt manifestation in the forefront of his mind. It controls his thoughts, his body.  

It is Snoke.  

_I am Snoke._

Kylo Ren wants to laugh. Wants to cry, to crush, to scream. But he can’t even open his eyes. Only his thoughts are his own, and all they are telling him is that he is going to die. Snoke had tricked him, told him he still had a chance, a chance to live up to his grandfather’s legacy. To become something more. And now he is going to die alone, unable to lift even a finger.   

He reaches for the force, scrambles to feel its electric power. Maybe he could shake of Snoke, or even just open his eyes. He can feel the force, can feel its power coursing through him, senses it, tastes it on the tip of his tongue. But he dares not touch it for it is calm; it is the sunlight warming his face and back, it is the rain caressing him, the sand between his toes as he lies on the beach. It is pure and it is Light. 

Kylo Ren dares not to embrace this force, because he dares not fall.

But it comes anyway, and Kylo Ren wants to scream because he does not want the Light to corrupt his body, to betray his grandfather. The force pours into him, strong and pure.

Ren does not, cannot, scream and rage; but he does open his eyes.

 

 

Poe does not instantly recognise the exposed figure shackled to the ships steel floor. The man is clad in dirty back clothes that hang a little too lose, and although he does not appear to be malnourished his face is lean and sharp. His face is what seizes Poe’s attention, more specifically, the serrated scar that runs diagonally across it. It almost seems to glow, burnt and bright red. A match to the scar that had run down Finn’s back. A lightsabre wound. In the dim light of the ship this man, boy, is vulnerable and empty, marked by a pain that Poe cannot begin to understand.

But then Poe registers Finn’s scared breathing; the only noise that dares to breach the silence of the ship. Poe glances towards his friends face to see wide, frightened eyes and mouth clamped tightly shut, and he understands. This is no weak boy, he is not fragile or vulnerable; this is Kylo Ren. The man who had tried to torture Rey and had nearly killed Finn, with no sense of remorse and no empathy to speak of.  The man who had torn Poe’s brain apart, and hadn’t even bothered to put it back together.

_Thoughts and memories being ripped apart. A cold that burns hotter that fire. A hidden face and a voice distorted by a mask. Pain. Pain. Pain._

Poe’s chest contracts, slowly then faster and faster. His lungs tighten and reject oxygen, and Poe can feel himself losing track of his thoughts, losing track of his own mind.   

_Sweat; trickling, pooling, sticking, mixing with blood. Bursts of agony that shattered and sparked like electricity. Pain. Pain. Pain._

Absently, Poe can feel himself being dragged away and set against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the scar that fractures Kylo Ren’s face. The only noise he can hear is his own distorted breathing and the slamming rhythm of his heart; a drumbeat that resounds throughout his body. Time is meaningless, time is nothing, and time is empty.  

But then, slowly and surely Poe’s breathing calms. All of his energy starts to leak from him into the floor, and an exhaustion like no other slams into him. Eventually he becomes aware of Finn’s arm around him, and as he slides to the floor he meets his friend’s concerned gaze.

When Finn opens his mouth, it is all Poe can manage to shake his head.

_Later. I’ll tell him later. Now…_

Finn nods, and smiles his never-ending smile in encouragement, then sits on the floor next to Poe; creating a barrier between his friend and Kylo Ren. Their shoulders touch and their breathing unites; in this second they are one and they are the whole world.  

Eventually, Poe's voice splinters thtough the silence.

‘What are we going to do with him?’ He glances back towards Ren, whose gaze is wild and heated, but focused on nothing. 

Gently, Finn redirects Poe’s gaze away from Ren. ‘We leave him here.’ 

Poe’s eyes meet the floor, and he knows what they need to do. His eyes lift to meet Finn’s, and he shakes his head. Kylo Ren is evil and he is long gone, but he is their General’s son. Han Solo gave his life to redeem this man, and while Poe cannot forgive that, neither can he forget. Solo saw something worth saving in his son; and he would want them to try.  

‘Poe… what he’s done to you, to _all_ of us. He isn’t worth it.’ Finn doesn’t look happy about it, and Poe knows that Finn would never leave anyone behind. He would save anyone and everything and that is why Poe treasures him. But Kylo Ren had wrecked Finn's friends and killed his hero, and that he couldn’t pardon.  

‘Finn, this man is evil and cruel. He is nothing. But he is not our nothing, and we can’t decide his fate.’ Poe is determined, he does not want to let Ren live; but he can’t let him die alone on a ship with his mother on the ground below.

The tension in the room is palpable but, reluctantly, Finn nods.

‘Fine, but we are going to call for back up.’ Finn’s tone is wary, but there is a trace of relief mixed in. Finn does not want this weighing down his conscious as much as Poe does.  

‘Not just back up, we’re calling the General.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless I get something up on Christmas Eve, this will be last update of the week :)  
> Have a happy holiday season everyone.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is always dark, and there is always lights.  
> There is always wrong, and there is always right.

Finn’s hands shake as he approaches Kylo Ren, but he manages to steady his racing heart and keep his face is blank. Behind him he can hear Poe breathing heavily and together they advance, slowly but steadily, to the figure on the floor. General Organa had asked them to make contact with Ren before the team arrived, (‘please, try’) and that meant getting closer to Kylo Ren than Finn would like.

Finn and Poe both have every reason to be terrified, they have every right to run. But they won’t; can’t. They owe Leia, and more than that they owe Han Solo. Han had believed there was something good left in his son, and for that they would save Kylo Ren, and find Ben Solo. 

And when Finn nears Ren, who has not moved - as if his whole body was frozen in time - from his twisted position on the floor Finn can’t help but feel some semblance of pity for this pathetic creature. When they had met in the snowy forest of Starkiller base, Kylo Ren had been strong, had been determined, driven by his pain and unrelenting _fury._ Now when Finn looks into the eyes of Ren he sees a caged animal, too damaged to be of any real use. Too broken to be of any worth.

But then Finn remembers Poe, remembers the way his friend had frozen in a panic so similar to the trauma Finn had seen in war torn Stormtroopers. Poe had been trapped by his own memories, wrecked by the mere sight of the man who had torn apart his mind with no care for the man inside.

As Finn remembers this, he also remembers his own anger, and his own sadness, and his own pain. He remembers that he can never forgive Kylo Ren, no matter whose son he is. 

Silently, he looks back towards Poe, and he tries to reason his features into a smile, but he is either too scared or too angry, or maybe to sad, but Poe smiles back anyway. Then Poe’s hand falls onto Finn’s shoulder, warmth spreading into his chest and pumping through his body in time to his heart.  

Finn kneels down in front of his adversary.

_He still hasn’t moved._

The only sign of life in Kylo Ren is the breath that condenses as it hits the air, and the terrified hatred in his eyes.

‘I’m going to try something,’ Finn said, looking up towards Poe, who nods slightly, expression tight with confusion and wariness.

Then Finn gingerly extends his hand towards Kylo Ren’s face. Finn notices that Ren’s eyes are weakly tracking the movement, but remain slightly unfocused nonetheless. However, when his hand brushes softly against the side of Ren’s face, the man does nothing. Even as Finn’s hand moves slowly down towards his neck, Ren remains motionless, only his eyes exposing his increasing panic.   

Finn feels Poe kneel down beside him, his shoulders slightly looser and his breathing more relaxed. ‘I don’t think he can move,’ Finn explains.

‘Injury?’  

‘No idea, I don’t think so though…’ Finn trails off as Poe reaches around Ren’s back, as if to turn Ren around and check for any damage. ‘We shouldn’t move him, might cause even more injury. We should just wait for backup to get here.’ Poe nods in understanding.

But Finn doubts that it is injury behind Ren’s apparent paralysis; although his legs are twisted awkwardly beneath him, Kylo Ren’s back is straight and tall, despite his arms being secured behind it. Kylo Ren does not look like a man who has suffered a devastating injury. Kylo Ren looks far too stiff and far too frozen. Kylo Ren does not look like a broken man, he does not look like a man at all.

The buzz of Poe’s comm shakes Finn out of his thoughts.

‘They’ve arrived,’ Poe announces, and all three men shift their eyes to the darkened entrance.  

 

General Leia Organa is scared. Scared for her fighters, for the Resistance, for herself, and, especially, for her son.

She has not seen her son since he was 15, six months before he had fallen. Before he had slaughtered his fellow Jedi and had left her to rot. Now he in only months from turning 30, and she can’t help but regret that she has not been there to stand by his side.

She loves her son. Misses him. Hates him. 

Leia steps onto the merchant vessel, leading the way despite protest from her guard. The whole place is dank and cold, lit only by dim red lights. She cannot see her son, or Finn and Poe Dameron, but she sense Ben through the force. She has always been able to, no matter what. Leia charges forwards, restraining herself from running; she has waited 15 years to see the son of her face and she will not wait a minute more.  

Her heart is in her throat, beating fast and hard.

Finally, _finally,_ she steps into the room where Ben Solo resides, and when her eyes meet his her heart freezes, drops to the floor, and shatters.

 

Ben had never looked much like either of his parents. His hair was far too dark, although it did have the same thick texture as Han’s, his face was long and pointed where Han was chiselled and Leia was rounded, and the last time Leia had seen him, Ben had towered over Han and dwarfed her. It was a wonder, they had always joked, that he was their son; ‘he must have been swapped’ they had said.  

Han always said that Ben had Leia’s eyes though.

It was true Leia had agreed, that both Ben and she had dark, dark brown eyes, framed black lashes. But Han insisted that the similarities didn’t end there.

Her husband had told her that they both had eyes that spoke freely and without shame; eyes that shone when they were happy, and eyes that burnt when they were angry.

After 15 years, Ben’s face had become muddled in Leia’s mind; and the figure before her is a distorted, scarred version of her own distant memories but she knows that it is her son looking back at her the second their eyes meet, because it is her own eyes she sees staring back at her.  

 

Leia can’t hold herself back anymore, and she runs towards the three figures on the floor. As she kneels beside the pilot and the ex-Stormtrooper, holding up a hand as Poe opens her mouth to speak, she studies the new face of her son.

It is still long and pointed, but hair that frames it is lank, and there is a scar running diagonally across it, marring the otherwise handsome features. Briefly, she recalls Rey explaining how she had cut his face with her sabre.  Rey had also been the one who had explained to her the details of her husband’s death.

_He killed Han, and he destroyed entire systems to make a point and destroy everything the Resistance has worked for.  He would have killed me too._

Beneath her calm façade, she can feel anger beginning to simmer. 

Then she notices that something is wrong with Ben.

‘Why isn’t he moving?’ her voice isn’t distressed, but it carries an edge.

‘We don’t know, General,’ Poe answers.

‘But we don’t think it’s a spinal injury,’ Finn continues. They both sound distressed.

_They both have a right to, considering what he’s done to them._

‘Doctor!’ she says, turning towards her team at the doorway and gesturing towards the medic she had insisted upon. ‘He isn’t moving,’ she explains as the doctor kneels down beside her.

Leia steps away from it all, trying to stop her hands from shaking. She _can’t_ look back, can’t stand the whole thing.

‘Poe, Finn, has he been like this the whole time?’ to her surprise her voice is steely cold.

‘Yes.’

‘He hasn’t spoken… reacted to anything?’

‘No, his eyes have some movement, but other than that…’ Finn seems wary and she Leia can’t help but sympathise. There is something very wrong here, Ben shouldn’t be here and he shouldn’t be like this.

‘General,’ Leia turns to the medic, ‘I can’t detect any injury that would cause this kind of paralysis, and my scans aren’t picking up any toxins or poisons either.’

‘Is it safe to move him?’ and Leia herself can’t tell is her voice is more anxious or more relieved.

‘I believe so, General’ the medic replies, voice riddled with anxiety.

‘Then let’s take him h…back.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :)  
> Thank you for the feedback, and comments are always appreciated.  
> Next chapter should be up in a few days.  
> Also, if anyone is interested in beta-ing, let me know.   
> I made a star wars side blog; poeskywallker.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling is hard, but landing is always worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for paralysis at the beginning of the chapter.  
> Hope you enjoy.

Thoughts rattle uselessly around Kylo Ren’s head as his mother walks back to him; her eyes bearing a manic glint that seems equal parts angry, worried and sad. She kneels before him, gently stroking his hair, and Kylo Ren cannot but help be reminded of another time, when he wasn’t Kylo Ren and he was Ben Solo instead.

‘What happened to you…’ her voice is sad, but Ren can’t help but wonder if she is relieved. He is not a threat anymore; he is another useless weapon discarded by the Order, he is nothing.

Desperately he tries to reply, but it is useless because he can barely open his eyes anymore; even his thoughts are starting to stagnate. Sentences, words, are an impossibility. So Kylo tries the force instead, but when he reaches for it the force it so bright and warm and _light_ it burns to touch.

In this moment, Kylo Ren knows that he is defeated; he has failed everything he stands for. Everything he has done has been for nothing, he murdered his own father for nothing; because when it really mattered he couldn’t resist the light and now it consumes him.

Kylo Ren closes his eyes, and as someone carefully removes his chains and scoops him into their arms a fatigue like no other washes over him and he lets himself fall.  

 

Poe is glad, for everyone’s sake, when their party enters the base through a discreet back entrance. Mostly, though, he is glad for the General; he has seen her at her best and he has seen her at her breaking point but he has never seen her like this.

Poe is no force user, but even he can sense her anger and her sadness, her crippling fear. It is intoxicating, and it is raw.

_She is a mother who has just found her child; and he has come back all wrong._

Cautiously, Poe glances over to Kylo Ren. As his eyes rake over Ren’s body, laid out on a stretcher completely oblivious to all that goes on around him, he feels his heart being to speed up, feels his palms begin to sweat and he can’t bear to look, but neither can he bear to drag his eyes away. This was the man who had taken _everything_ from Poe, and here is; weak, and cold, and undeniably human.

Suddenly, hesitantly, a hand slips into his own; fingers intertwining and locking in. Poe looks and he is greeted by a warm smile, and the face of a friend. Poe squeezes the hand that rests in his, a silent thank you, and when Finn returns the favour Poe’s heart begins to flutter and his smile is wide enough to eat the entire galaxy.  

Poe has loved many times in his life; but he has never been in love. That being said, he knows that what he feels for Finn is not love; but it could be, it might be, it _should_ be. And, force knows, if Poe can help it _will_ be love.

Or at least he would, if Finn wasn’t already in love; his heart captured entirely by a girl made of scrap metal and diamond. Rey, the scavenger from Jakku. Rey, the Jedi in training. Rey. When Finn spoke of Rey he spoke of stars and youth and adventure, and when Poe had seen the way Rey looked at Finn he knew that she saw the same in Finn.

Rey and Finn, two strangers who found each as they found themselves. They were young and newly free, they were something for each other that Poe could never be. Stars locked in each other’s orbit, shining twice as bright together as they did apart; and all Poe can do is look to the skies and dream of brighter things.

‘I’m gonna catch some breakfast,’ Poe says, sliding his hand out of Finn’s grip.

‘I’ll join you,’ Finn replies, and Poe wonders how he can sound so excited about everything.

‘General, we’re going to get some breakfast. What do you want us to tell the others?’ Poe’s voice is cautious.

‘Nothing, for now. But I’ll send for you both when everything has been finalised. We can discuss what I’ll need then,’ the general says, her eyes still focused on her son.   

Together, Finn and Poe make their leave, walking in tandem towards the mess hall.

‘Do you reckon they’ll have to call Rey and Skywalker back? To deal with Kylo Ren?’ The hopeful excitement in Finn’s voice is uncontained and it is beautiful. Poe’s heart shatters inside his chest, because he will never make Finn that excited and he will forever be an outsider.

‘Buddy, I’m sure they will.’  

Maybe the smile he gets in return will be enough.

 

Ben still hasn’t woken up when Leia and her guards place him in his cell, and as she supports his head with her hands, watching as the guards place yet another set of shackles around his wrists. Tears burn behind her eyes, threatening to fall and ruin everything.

‘Please leave us,’ she orders the guards, voice so hard it threatens to shatter.

It isn’t until they leave that she moves, gently stroking her son’s face with her hands. Tracing the outline of that battered scar with her fingertips, wrapping her hands in his hair, memorising every line and every mark. Once she had known everything about her son, but piece by piece the son she had known had been chipped away until there was nothing left but memories. Finally, she has him back but no he is new and dangerous, and she must relearn everything.

Gently, she reaches out with the force; trying to recall that connection she had nurtured for years. There is nothing there, a void that sucks up light with no care for the damage it causes.  But Leia won’t give up and as she digs deeper into the darkness she finds a spark, she finds _something_. She finds is a light so tightly encased in darkness it can hardly be seen.  

Not for the first time she wonders if her son is truly gone, if he really is dead, and while her tears won’t fall her heart does.

Her heart and her hope and her soul crash and fall and fall and fall, just waiting for someone to lift them back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback are always appreciated :)  
> My Star Wars blog is poeskywallker.tumblr.com  
> I'll have another update within the week :)


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find some, you lose some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long!   
> Hope you enjoy.

It wasn’t until three days after her vision that Rey and Luke left for the Resistance.  

Rey is worried, and, despite what he said, so is Luke. She can see it in the shakiness of his hands and the all too serene glaze over his eyes. She can feel it through the force.

Despite this, Luke leaves with reluctance; hesitantly as if he were stepping into a new world rather than going back home. Maybe he is. The galaxy they’re leaving for is not the one he left behind.      

Eventually, though, they contact the Falcon and Chewie, and they leave the icy shores and forgotten temples behind them.

As Rey walks onto the ship that, in another life, could have become her home, she takes one last look at the islands that have become her sanctuary. The wind blows through her hair and the icy cold seeps into her very bones and chills her to the core; but she knows she will miss this place.

It is here that Rey has finally begun to _understand_.

‘I intend to come back,’ Luke’s words are meant to comfort Rey, but she can’t help but think that they are really for him. In response she sends him a smile; weaker than she would like.

On the Falcon, Rey is instantly greeted by the smell of fried wiring and metal. It is warm; dirty buy homely. It feels like Han Solo, or at least the part of Han that Rey had met. This is a ship that has seen horrors and war, has seen beauty and created love. This is a place where Rey could feel safe; where she could make her home.

She wonders what could have possibly led Ben Solo to leave this. Maybe he just hadn’t understood all that he had, maybe he never would.

Luke was insistent that Ben was as human as Rey, but as she remembered the way Han Solo’s body had crumpled and fallen, the flash of pure hate in his eyes as she stood over him. The way he had…

‘Luke, in the forest, when I fought Ren, he kept…I don’t know how to explain it. He was pounding on his side, where Chewie had shot him. Why?’ It had been bugging her for weeks, the idea that someone would, could, injure themselves in the middle of a fight.

‘During the fight did he seem weakened…not just his injuries, but further than that?’ Luke’s voice is cautious, as if he is holding back hope. As is hope as failed him one time to many and now he can’t let himself dream.

‘Maybe…yes I think so,’ Rey recalls the fight. Ren had been fragile and tense; as if he was going to shatter at any given moment. Before that he had been hardened and strong, a sandstorm that ripped everything to shreds with its force.

‘I believe that he was manipulating the pain…using it to tie himself closer to the dark side,’ Luke almost sounds happy.

‘Why?’

‘I think it means that there is still some hope for Ben.’

Rey doesn’t believe it, but as she sits in the co-pilot seat next to Chewie she looks up at Luke and she smiles at him, because even if it is a false hope maybe Luke will learn to dream again, and she will help him.

 

The Falcon lands on the Resistance base after less than a day of flight, and it is not nearly enough time for Luke to prepare himself. The anxiety starts forming a knot in the pit of his stomach, and even his training won’t be able to stop it when it comes.   

Before they land Luke feels for the connection he and Leia share. The bond that was once so strong it was nearly overwhelming is now fragile, but he can feel her and he knows she can feel him too. She is not surprised, and Luke supposes that she has changed more than he can possibly imagine.

They all have.

For over a decade, Luke has isolated himself from the world. He locked himself away and hid the key, but now somebody has found it and Luke is terrified of her. Rey is strong and she is brilliant, she is everything Luke never was and more. More than that, she and Luke share something.

Luke doesn’t know what it is but he and Rey are connected, by something more than he ever thought possible.

As they prepare to step of the Falcon, Rey reaches for his hand and although he doesn’t know why, it comforts him. Finally, he is coming home.

 

 

Leia is more lost than Luke has ever known her.

When she greets him, her smile is watery and her although those who don’t know her wouldn’t see it, she is breaking at the edges. She has lost everything, even herself.

As she wraps herself around him Luke can feel her warmth spreading into him and dismissing the cold that had leeched into his skin after years of only rain and wind for company. She clutches him, and Luke begins to find himself again.

‘Thank you,’ her voice is little more than a whisper, ‘for coming. You’ll know what to do.’

‘I hope so,’ because it has been years since Luke has truly helped anyone.   

‘Follow me.’

Leia leads him through the maze of corridors that dominate the Resistance and somewhere Rey leaves them in favour of her friends and Luke can’t help but miss her as soon as she is gone.

Finally, Leia reaches a door. Her hands are shaking as is her breath. Luke tries to reach out with the force but she is blocking him, and more than that there is another presence surrounding them.

It is familiar yet new, dark and light. It’s Ben.

Luke tries to steady himself, but his heart is beating too fast and the anxiety he had felt earlier is only growing. He is not ready.

When Leia opens the door though Luke is overwhelmed by a sadness and anger so strong he can feel it in the air, and when his eyes fall on Ben he understands why he is here.

It isn’t to stop Ben, it’s to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't my best one, sorry.   
> I'll be updating on Fridays (in Australia) from now on.   
> My Star Wars blog is poeskywallker.tumblr.com  
> Feedback is always appreciated.


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